China -- 0, Flesh-Light -- 1

In a small village somewhere in China, someone came across a "mysterious" new mushroom; it had a cap on both ends, with a stem in the middle that was hollow. They got excited and called their local newspaper, who sent out a cub reporter and a photographer to do a story. The reporter also got excited, thinking she was in on the discovery of a new type of mushroom, so she did a big story and happily published it. Then the laughter began, and the paper received hundreds of calls and letters which quickly cleared up the confusion; that newfangled mushroom turned out to be a flesh-light. The paper immediately posted a retraction online, wherein they threw the cub reporter under the bus, saying:

“As our reporter was still very young and unwise to the ways of the world, this report has brought great inconvenience to everyone,” the post read. “We’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone from the bottom of our hearts for your criticism and correction. Please forgive our oversight!”

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

Syfy Sucks

Don't believe me?? THEY CANCELED EUREKA!! As if that weren't proof enough that Syfy has jumped the shark, take this epic movie for example; Pirhanaconda. Yes, I'll wait while you absorb that for a moment. The quality of this channel's monster movies has gone from 'affectionately cheesy but still watchable' to outright 'we don't give a shit & you can't make us'. I was only able to watch this crap for about the first 15 minutes--laughing wildly the whole time; in the first 5, this creature took down a helicopter (and you KNOW it's gonna happen; Syfy is nothing if not a firm believer in the horror-movie formula), a hot chick, and the pilot of the chopper. Like a flying can of people Mcnuggets. Syfy, once upon a time, gave half a shit about the special effects; now I'm convinced they've signed a deal with the devil and all the movies they produce are made by high-school film students or bored chimps. I'm fairly certain the helicopter stunt was done with Photoshop, and filmed with either: 1) a toaster or 2) this:

I had fond memories of this toy....SO. To recap, Syfy has canceled one of the best shows I've ever loved, and in return they give us as much shit as possible. Thanks a lot, assholes.

A long-overdue letter

Dear Evil Stepfather:
 We sure have had our differences, haven't we? I know it was unforgivable of me to hate you all those years you beat the holy shit out of my mother; all the times we ate ketchup sandwiches because you drank up all the grocery money. All the times we kids went to school with no lunch (or breakfast), and those winters we frequently had no jackets. We went 4 wonderful years without hot water because you refused to pay the bill; how we loved heating up water in a big pot on the stove just so we could take a lukewarm bath. We went that long without being able to watch TV either--although it didn't stop you from waking us up in the middle of the night (on school nights) and making us sit on the couch and stare at it; we could neither speak, move nor look at anything else but that blank screen until you got tired of the game and passed out. That was your favorite game wasn't it? 

When I got old enough for college, you refused to help ME monetarily, although you paid both my older sisters' way through college (even though they were both married), and my younger brothers too--because your business was making millions. I never said anything when you bought my baby brother a new Corvette for his first car (I got a used '78 Grenada). I just found a guy to marry and got out of there. Then came the "keep Kim away from her mother" game which continued until I finally said fuck it and just quit having anything to do with the lot of you all those years. 


When you started coughing up blood, I was so happy! I just knew you'd die soon and I could have my family back--but NO dice. You just stopped drinking and smoking which extended your miserable life 20 more years. But you know what, all these things were nothing compared to what you did to Aaron & me in 2005; see, we were living in Biloxi, MS--less than 3 miles from the coast. If we had not been invited to a friend's house the night before Katrina hit, we wouldn't have made it. So we came home to Mama, thinking surely it was ok to stay there a couple weeks until we could find somewhere else to live. But YOU told mom we'd have to leave. You didn't care that we had just lost everything. That was the last straw. We left and I never saw you again because, 5 months later, the cancer you'd been refusing to see a doctor about finally killed you.


Understandably to me, I chose not to attend your funeral, as I would not have been able to resist the urge to dance in the aisle, laugh out loud, and spit on your worthless carcass. But apparently it wasn't understandable to the rest of the family because they all disowned Aaron and me. So even though you're dead you cost me my whole family. I hope it was all worth it to you. Now every year, on February 12, I celebrate the fact that you're still dead.


HA.

What Else Can I Do???

I am at my wit's end. Someone I love very much (I'll call her "Lucy") is being abused; she knows she should leave (and in fact, did leave recently--but went back to him the same fucking day). Now he'll never take her seriously. Lucy is tiny; "Fred" is big, strong, and an MMA fighter. On steroids. He broke her wrist last summer when he picked her up and threw her into a wall in a fit of rage. Lucy believes love will conquer all; that what is *wrong* in their 'relationship' is all her fault and that she can fix it if she tries hard enough. Fred has worked diligently to train her to believe this. The fact that he refuses to marry her? Well, that's her fault too. His spoiled-brat children hate her and treat her like shit. Lucy is a wonderful, smart, bubbly person; she could have anyone she wants, so WHY does she settle for this turd? I have known her most of my life, and we have gone through hell together; we have seen much abuse, both in her family and mine. We grew up seeing the effects of the male abuser/female submissive dynamic. We've had relationships, both of us, that were abusive. 


I got out of my last one in 2001--he hit me once and I left & never looked back. After I left is when the real shit started; stalking, driving me off the road with my son in the car, he even kidnapped him briefly. Broke into my house, took everything we owned and sold what he could, burned the rest. Every photo I had of my only child--gone. I still have nightmares about that time, even though he has been out of our lives and behind bars for 9 years. He will be in prison until 2044, paying for the things he's done.


As smart as Lucy is, I cannot understand why she stays. And I can't deal with her drama anymore. Texting me and saying how awful things are, then not hearing from her again until weeks later when everything is magically fixed again. Rinse & repeat. 


I grew up with a stepfather who thought my mother was his own personal punching bag; I will never be able to escape the memories and the baggage from it. Lucy won't listen to me; begs me not to tell anyone because (and I quote) "she would look like the biggest fool in her town". I'd rather she look like a fool with a pulse, than a pile of bones in the ground. Which is where she's gonna end up. I can't change her mind; it's her life and her choice. But I don't have to watch it. I can't remain in her life, waiting for the phone call in the night that means he's finally killed her. Or worse, maimed/crippled her. She's made her choice, and so have I. I love you Lucy. I always will.